Zevran's Diary KEEP OUT
by greenmonkeys111
Summary: unfinished, pages from Zev's diary, just for fun.


* biowere own everything *

_Again i found this on my mums pc and cant quite remember where i was going with it but it was funny so ive published it for your entertainment._

It is my first day in Ferelden, it smells of wet dog and is unrelentingly cold. The Arl Howe's accommodation is nice enough but I feel I have already out stayed my welcome. He and some general named Logain want me to assassinate a grey warden, naturally this is a challenge I can not turn down. Tomorrow I leave Denerim, I do not look forward to camping in this cold, wet land.

The camping is much as I expected…cold. I wish to find and kill this warden quickly, I hate this place it smells terrible not like the leather of my home Antiva and everything is so glum and dank. I have met no one attractive here they all wear such heavy horrid furs and seem to lack in general hygiene. I am also unsure if anyone in this land knows how to shave. Anyway tomorrow I hope to find this warden and have this mission completed before next sundown.

Found the warden today but failed miserably at killing him, he is much stronger and smarter that I anticipated he is also rather handsome. Strangely he has decided to let me live though I am glad, his sidekick doesn't seem to be keen on the idea of keeping me around, but I suppose it is better than being dead. Besides they're not a bad looking bunch compared to the men Howe sent with me. There is a mage who is very good looking though I daren't approach her in case she puts some curse on my 'elven goods' so to say. There is a very unsettling Qunari among them as well, he is too quiet he may plan to slaughter them as they sleep, it would certainly be a loss for there is a very sweet Orlisian bard amongst them, I wonder if they know she is a bard? There is also an extremely filthy dog travelling with them, it smells fowl like the air here. I need to try to get some sleep tonight they are taking me with them to the mages circle tomorrow something to do with saving a child abomination or some such.

We arrived what feels like a week ago to the circle, although the warden informs me it was only yesterday. The place was overrun with these abominations and blood mages, naturally it was up to us to go in and clean up as it were because the Templars who are trained in such were too afraid to go inside. We did meet a lovely old woman named Wynne, who has a wonderful bosom. She has decided to join the warden; she should be helpful as she is trained in healing magic. Besides she is like a grandmother and she can always cook and do the other womanly things like darning socks and cleaning up the camp.

When we reached the top of the tower there was a sloth daemon that sent us into the fade, my dreams were a fantasy come true I could have stayed there forever on that torture rack having numerous extremely good looking men and woman come to 'torture' me. I wasn't surprised when the warden finally turned up I did wonder what he had planned for me but I was sadly disappointed, he had come to rescue me it seemed and we were all awakened to battle the sloth.

After that we rescued the head mage fellow, he was old and slow and of Corse unshaven as with all the men of this place, except the warden and his sidekick, they are beginning to grow on me. The head mage agreed to help the child they are trying to rescue so it is off the Redcliff next I am to believe.

We made camp for the night and Wynne has proved she is useful already, she cooked us all a delicious fish soup which was much better than the grey mush I was severed the night before by Alistair. I tried getting close to the bard after supper but she was having none of it I can't believe it; women have never turned me down before I hope I'm not losing my touch. Maybe I'll try my luck with the warden at some point he seems open to suggestion. Even Alistair is an option, he may whinge a lot but he is incredibly good looking and I have heard some interesting stories about grey wardens in the brothels.

We got to Redcliff and saved the child, now it turns out we must save the boys father. All this saving people really is a turnaround from killing them, it does seem to be more challenging to help them they are so fussy about how you do it.

As I understand we must all travel to Denerim to seek out some brother of the chantry who knows the location of the prophet Andraste's ashes. Hopefully I can steal an hour in the brothel, after all it has been almost a week since I had the company of another and I am growing very lonely. I am beginning to get close to the warden and the bard although Alistair still seems weary of me, he is perhaps jealous of my good looks and fine skill but he will get over it I am sure. When I get to Demerim I must buy some Orlisian oils I fear the smell of dog is now in my pores and hair, ugh what I would give for a hot bath, strong drink, and some pleasurable company.

So I got some alone time with the mage earlier when we were on watch together, she really doesn't like Alistair which gave us something to talk about besides her dark mysterious beauty. She really loves to bitch, about everyone. I wonder what she says about me to the others, only good things I hope. I feel I have been a perfect gentleman to the women, and have tried exceptionally hard not insult them. I have been accommodating and helpful, I just hope it works in my favour these long days and nights travelling I would appreciate a closer companionship with someone to help me relive my stresses.

So we arrived in Denerim I got myself some beautifully smelling oils in the market, cant wait to use them. Maybe the bard will let me give her one of my exotic massages.

Anyway when we went to the brother's house to find out about the ashes a strange little man told us he was missing but thanks to my exquisite skills, I discovered he was hiding the body of the brothers assistant and was in fact a trying to deceive us. Needless to say we killed the lying bastard and took the brothers journal for ourselves, a job well done I'd say.

About to head to the Gnawed Noble Tavern to meet the warden, maybe he has finally realised how attractive I am and wants to confess his feelings for me or perhaps I'm just getting my hopes up, we shall soon see.

Alistair, the warden, lelianna (the bard) and myself went to the tavern last night, oh what a night it was, we drank, we sung, we drank, we danced and drank some more. It turns out Alistair can't hold his ale well and was giggling and falling all over the place like a girl after only two pints. Oh how we laughed at him, well up until the rest of us caught up. Eight pints down and the rest of us were just as bad, I think, it gets a little blurry after the dancing on the bar and that was only on the seventh. I was almost certain the warden was picking up on my attraction to him I was using all my best lines, so I was very surprised when I woke up in the bards tent. I can't remember getting back to the camp at all but when I popped my head out of the tent the bard was sleeping with the dog outside so I think it was just an innocent mistake. Upon leaving the tent the full effect of our party hit me, Wynne was clearing up the mess of pots and other utensils that were scattered about and gave me a nasty glare, I hope I didn't say anything too offensive to her she really is a lovely woman. The other mage was stomping around looking for her pack which she found quickly stuck up a nearby tree. It really was a wild night I just hope I didn't do anything to be ashamed of but I suppose I will find out soon enough.


End file.
